Rising Sun Reflection

I apparently was feeling musical when I wrote this one. But looking back, I do see where it all came from. 

As a reminder, Grey was designed to be a version of myself that leaned into my strengths and pointed out my weaknesses as a real person. He started as a therapy experiment as to how gamification of my mental health could help me face my greatest weaknesses and utilize my strengths. How I could be a better version of myself. 

Now, I’m not saying that I need to become like Grey to become a better version of myself. He’s a mirror of my potential. I don’t want to be him, especially not when he’s as unstable as he currently is. He firmly believes he has everything under control, when in reality, he’s currently spiraling. If it weren't for his friends, he would be in dire straights. 

Though, who among us can’t say the same?

But Grey reflects a lot of my own personal feelings here. Loyalty to those who have proven they’re deserving of it, fear at losing the things he loves, a ravenous hatred for anything that would threaten them, and an unceasing hunger to prove himself worthy. 

I spent my whole life feeling weak. That line was literally me speaking, not Grey. When I was young, I was physically weak, bullied and picked on. I gained emotional maturity beyond my years, which seemed to decline overtime to make me feel emotionally immature as an adult. In high school, I started doing physical work with the Backstage Crew of our drama club, building muscle and skills that I didn’t even realize I had. I felt like Caveman in Holes when a friend of mine, who was a dangerous fighter, said that I was one of the few people he wouldn’t want to fight. The comment took me by surprise, as clearly he was much stronger than me, but when we tested it I learned that I was physically stronger than he was, and much like Diego I never noticed it happening. 

So I began to lean into that physical strength, not as a bully myself, but as a means of being useful. I was strong, so by using my strength I was useful. I was moderately skilled, thus by using my skills I could be useful. Useful things are never thrown away, right?

Like Grey, I wanted to be of use, to be of value, and to put my skills to purpose so that I’d be needed. But also like him, I have a code. There is no need for a king or a dictator in this world, and to give me such power, I know I’d abuse it just as badly as anyone else, even though I feel my targets would be justified. Then again, don’t all tyrants feel the same way?

And these petty tyrants are making me feel weak all over again now as an adult. The ability to affect change in the world is one thing that gives people a sense of power. In a bad economy, in a failing system, we don't feel like we have the ability to affect change. We need power to do that, and that’s something we sorely lack as they keep taking more and more away from us. These monsters will take our code of ethics and laugh at it, seeing it as a form of weakness. They’ll mock it, and not realize that through it they can suffer a fate worse than a guillotine, because everyone feels that weakness, even the baroness can be brought to her knees. It’s just a matter of what we plan to do once the shoe is on the other foot and the power is ours to command. Do we show mercy? Or do we let them live with the consequences?