The Spirit World Reflection

So this chapter is especially interesting considering when it was written compared to what I have learned since then. Romantic relationships have always been a challenge for me, mostly because I had such a hard time understanding some nuances of the more adult responsibilities that come with those relationships. I do have some level of Golden Retriever energy, but most of that falls under the loyalty and attention span aspects. Often, I found myself falling short on remembering smaller details, keeping up with tasks that made her feel comfortable in our home vs how comfortable I’d be as mess began to accumulate, and checking in (I grew up in a family where we assumed nothing was wrong unless it was stated to us, or that was just how I interpreted it, who knows? Tisum is a hell of a drug). 

That being said, a lot of what Grey goes through in this chapter is me forcing him to not react in the way that my instincts scream for me to react. I’m not some “alpha male” who feels I am the “protector, provider, etc” that has to come in and be the hero, but I can see how my instincts make me seem like the type. See, my love language is acts of service. I like to do things to make a person I care about’s life easier. Mow the lawn, edge the driveway, make a table for Christmas dinner… things I think are helping! 

The problem is, I do the things I think are helping, rather than listening to the things that would have helped. I’m AuDHD, I need clear instructions on how to get things done correctly rather than just do the things I think are important. It took me a long time to learn how to listen properly, and I’m sure there are a few women reading this nodding along about how men don’t listen. 

Let me repeat that: Learned to listen properly.

See, I made a discovery this year. Ladies, you don’t think we listen. Men, I know you are. Here’s the difference: men and women speak completely different languages. We can’t solve the problem by just listening to one another, we need to be heard by each other, and understand that sometimes the words that you’re hearing are being interpreted by the filter in your head, regardless of gender. Once we start learning each other's languages, we start finding more common ground between us. 

Grey is doing that here, way earlier in life (or death) than I ever got to. I’m still working on things, learning, building, and growing into the man I need to be to see myself as the man I want to be. He’s reading between the lines and looking to give Isadora what she needs rather than what he thinks will help. Much like me, his instincts are to solve the problem, to comfort and then take care of the issue. The thought process is very: “she has a problem, problem make her sad, fix problem, no sad!” This is, what I assume to be, a very common mentality among my fellow men that sometimes is appreciated, but often can be seen as insensitive to the actual need their partner has. A friend of mine told me about the three H’s when these situations arrive: 

“Do you need to be

• Helped

• Heard

• Hugged”

This has helped tremendously in the past, but I’ve also found that being able to sense and pick up on these needs helps, though I appreciate others understanding that this isn’t always a possibility with me, again, tism. So Grey having the forethought to push his own needs aside in how he wanted to help in lieu of trying to give Isadora the help she needed most, was a big step for both him and for me. I wish I could be as insightful as he was with the people around me, but I suppose that’s why I write fiction, in an attempt to experience such super powers. 

Moving away from Grey in this chapter about Isadora, I really don’t have much to say about her here that wasn’t already depicted in the chapter itself. I always knew that she would have a sad backstory, where she didn’t have the opportunity to really experience life, thus the reason why she closes herself off from the world as a Kindred. She never learned how to love or be loved, and who would ever expect that one could learn that in Kindred society. But romantic love wasn’t the first that she felt. From the beginning, I wanted the bond between her and Grey to be one built on mutual respect and admiration. One where even if I chose not to make it a romantic story (which until the kiss happened here, I still wasn’t sure was going to be the case, but the relationship began to evolve in my mind as the writing continued) there would still be something I could point to and say “look! Love! It may not be the expected kind, but love takes many forms.”

Isadora’s family life was one that I don’t see as overly important to her current experiences as it may be for others. Her father was an abusive, neglectful asshole, and I apologize to all the funeral directors I worked with for this comparison. Most of the funeral directors I worked with were fun, compassionate, and downright jovial people. Just because they worked with the dead didn’t mean they were dismal. Many of them are actually more well represented by Isadora (pre-blood sucking), as they would put the utmost care into tending to those in their service. The people I didn’t really like working with were those on the sales team, the less said about that the better. 

While her family life shaped her walls, Isadora’s character comes from breaking down the generational trauma and discovering who she is. This is why I say it’s not an overly important point to harp on, because while the foundation of a house is important, what is built from that foundation is far more interesting to focus on. I’m very excited to see Isadora going forward, both in my revisiting of this book, as well as in future endeavors of this series.