Reflection: Where I Hunt

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned the fact that I have AuDHD before, and while rereading this opening where Grey is exploring his faults and failings as a mortal, I think back to where I struggled most with these problems. Laundry would pile up, dishes would too (worse when the dishwasher at my apartment broke and I was too busy to put in a request for weeks), and clutter would pile up, despite the fact that it felt like I was barely in the place with how many hours I was working or away.

That “fuck it, good enough” mentality was something I had taught myself to live with because it was something that I needed in order to accept my limitations. I knew that I could do better, that I could do more, but I never seemed to have the time or the energy to do it. I needed to spend time working on other things, other projects that helped me chase the dopamine, or I would be too tired or burnt out, needing to instead take the time to rest and recover, though recovery never really seemed to happen. 

“Who cares about Bryan if Grey can succeed?”

That line hits differently now. I wrote this in October, when I was desperately trying to fit in at a place I really didn’t belong. It was a hard sales job, not just in its difficulty, but in how hard they wanted you to go. It was almost like we were made to feel guilty if we hadn’t made a sale that day, how dare we be going home if we hadn’t? Honestly, selling Cemetery Property in an economic crash sounds reasonable. Most people make the jokes that I had amazing job security and that “everyone was dying to get in!” 

Heard that one a lot. 

The problem is, that job was 100% commission, so either you grinded until you lost yourself completely, or you failed. I found that my personality clashed with the mentality I was expected to have. No matter how much I tried to veer our direction into something more sustainable, I was given the same bad advice and sent back out to fail, or at least that’s how I viewed it. Because of this, I was failing harder and harder. Losing that job was inevitable, and I see that now, but I also see that I was willing to sacrifice Bryan to the altar of Grey (for lack of a better name here). Success was something I was willing to give just about anything for, because I was so used to being a failure. I see that here in this chapter as Grey is willing to let his touchstones vanish, something that I could never imagine allowing myself to do. It scares me a little looking at this character and seeing what I could have become. 

Then as I read further I begin to wonder how much of myself and Grey are one and the same, beyond just the intentional flaws. “Never do anything for one reason” is a phrase I’ve repeated so often that my friends are using it on me now. It’s part of my DMing technique, where I’m actively looking to make story beats count for as many purposes as possible. If a villain is going to act in a way that targets one of the party members, they need to be acting in a way that the action affects more than just one person. Otherwise, it was wasted energy just to be petty. I would be a lot like Natalia in that mentality, that pettiness and personal satisfaction isn’t worth the risk… except I believe it is so long as there’s more to gain from the action beyond mere satisfaction. 

See, I do recognize myself as a petty person. I’m well aware of the joy I take in schadenfreude and the black and white way I can see the world. These are things that I’m very much working on, and the basis for the irony of Grey’s name. Natalia’s disapproval is partially my own. While Grey had a good reason for doing what he was doing, he also had a personal, private, and exceptionally petty reason for it. He, much like myself, wants to see evil and cruel people not just get their comeuppance, but also to suffer through the experience. Now, I’m not saying that’s a good thing, but it is a part of myself that will no doubt stay with me for the rest of my life (much like the beast itself). 

Finally, the last piece of this particular chapter that I wanted to focus on here was Natalia herself. She is a reflection of a lot of people in my life, and a few more recent ones. Though her character is female, I’ve found gender doesn’t discriminate when it comes to manipulation or taking advantage. There have been many times in my life that I’d been used and thrown away, and all of them hurt. Grey is meant to be the part of me who learns from that particular weakness and weaponizes it right back. The problem I’ve found is that I’m exceptionally bad at doing this myself. It’s very easy for Grey to say how he’s plotting to stab his sire in the back before she gets the chance to do so to him, but for me, I have a hard time not feeling bad for someone who I can tell is openly harming me. Part of me feels scared that I’d be wrong and assuming, while in reality they’re manipulating things behind the curtain. 

One thing that makes the game fun is getting the chance to play as some manipulative monster trying to outmanuver others, but it's not something I’d ever want to do in real life. I’m too blunt for that, and it’s probably the part of me that helps balance out all the flaws of myself that are so prominent in Grey. It’s these elements of myself that he lacks, keeping me from being a monster. Which is why she is so important to the story… but I’m getting ahead of myself…