Reflection: The One Who Made Me
“You can’t do the right thing and get the wrong results.”
My employer at a previous job said this to me practically every day. I was actually still working at that place when writing this, and I think I was beginning to doubt him even then. See, he was a selfish individual who praised himself on helping people grow, taking them under his wing, and the second he decided that the effort wasn’t getting the results he wanted, he’d throw people away and start again with someone new. He said as much to me several times. I even asked him once what he’d do if the sales team didn’t hit their numbers. His response: “Fire them all and start again.”
And with a man who can never be satisfied,
I now understand the high turnover rate.
It wasn’t just people being fired, but a wave of people quitting under his direction. I think only three or four people lasted more than a year under him, mostly because despite the airs he tried to put on, he was a bully, a fraud, and an ass.
I’ve noted several times that Isadora is a reflection of Grey, not a love interest of Bryan’s, and the budding love that we see growing here between the two makes for a good story, but represents something that I never fully realized or achieved: a love for myself and my boundaries. I, like Isadora, don’t like to be lied to. I’d rather a direct insult or accusation to implied or underhanded threats. I’ve learned through experience what are forgivable offenses and what can make me cut someone off completely. Isadora represents those boundaries made manifest.
Callie and Diego here are also representing something that I’ve been struggling with my whole life. Callie trusts in the system she was reborn into, whereas Diego believes that it is best to keep one’s head down and work at what you’re best at in order to become either successful (for her) or safe (for him). I tried that for many, many years and found myself feeling neither successful nor safe. In fact, as Grey and Isadora note in themselves, I am quite disillusioned by the whole thing. As a millennial, I was told that if I went to college, worked hard, got a job, and followed the path, that I would be able to own a home, have a family, and be comfortable. I’ve seen it work for my Gen X sisters (though one may technically be an elder millennial, I’m not quite sure where that cutoff is), so it was shown to be a possibility, up until it was my turn.
The year I graduated high school the housing market crashed. The years following my graduation from college, there was a hiring freeze in my state for educators. The year I finally felt like I was getting a stable position I could stay in, Covid hit. And now we have goose stepping assholes marching down our streets telling us what the ‘rules’ are. I’ve spent my life trying to build it on a foundation of sand, and finally I’m getting fed up with the ‘rules’ that I’m supposed to live by. They’re just strings to yank me hither and yon, to the point where I don’t really trust anyone who tells me how things are supposed to go anymore.
Currently I’m working somewhere new, barely scraping by (not by the fault of anyone other than the market, it's now a two man operation and funds are limited), and while I respect the man teaching me now, I can’t help but feel those same doubts creeping in despite his years of experience. He admits to me knowing more than him in some areas, claims his authority in others, and I can respect that, but sometimes it feels like the damage is done, like my trust in the world and its systems is completely gone. The oppressive regime has been overthrown, long live the new oppressive regime! I’ve cast off the Camarilla and joined the Anarchs. The cycle continues, and sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself wishing and hoping that something will come along and shatter it.
Something like Grey.
