No Way Forward Reflection
One of the hardest things for me to be is vulnerable. I either hide behind humor (probably why I was always such a big Spider-Man fan) or stories where I can escape reality for a while and enjoy experiencing characters who are better suited with dealing with their problems. That being said, this chapter was extremely hard to write, because as Grey bares his soul, that is my own insecurities being laid bare before you. I know that I’m not a good person, but I know what it takes to be a good person, I have empathy for the people around me so despite the fact that I have a driving urge to be selfish and cold because it’s safer and easier, I force myself to do what I know is right despite my security being tied to not doing those things.
Now, before people start jumping on the “sociopath” train, no, a sociopath wouldn’t feel empathy, I’m just a selfish person. I know that I’m a selfish person, but I actually did tell my students what Grey said I did. Selfishness is not a bad thing, not unless it's all you are, but I know just how selfish I am. And this chapter is both an admission and an apology to the people I’ve hurt because of my selfishness. The reaction of the rest of the coterie is more my hope of what the result of said apology would be from those people.
The story is a bit of wishful thinking, as I’m sure there are people that I’ve hurt too much to ever come back from, because I know that there are people out there that have hurt me too much to ever come back from. And, in fairness, I also need the coterie to forgive Grey and continue to follow him for the story to continue.
More importantly, I must remind you that Diego, Isadora, and Callie are all also parts of me, as described in previous reflections, so a part of this is also my apology to myself, begging my own forgiveness. As stated above, vulnerability is not something I am comfortable with, and oftentimes I see that even with myself. If I start letting myself feel weak, even alone, my instinct is to crush it down, ignore it, and power through to find a moment of strength.
One of the greatest things about Andrew (our very own Timm) pushing me to watch One Piece is that the show has such powerfully emotional ties to struggles that people face every day, that it has made me face them as well. And it has allowed me to cry. I won’t pretend that I didn’t cry throughout that show, and I’m only about 450 episodes in at this point. But there was a line that I saw recently that made me sob, and now looking back on this chapter, I see just how long that fear or weakness has been with me.
“Ain’t no one was ever born into this world to be alone.”
Regardless of how lonely you feel, or let yourself be because you wall parts of yourself off, you were never meant to be alone. Grey had people who love him surrounding him in a moment of weakness and pain, and I need to remember that I do as well, despite the mistakes I’ve made and hurt I’ve caused. I’ve also been responsible for aiding in healing, emotional support, and been a pillar of strength to others. Like Grey is learning here, I need to internalize the lesson of how even when we feel undeserving, even when we feel weak, we are not useless. We have the strength of others to lean on and their forgiveness as we grow.
